This past weekend was divine! earlier last week, my father and i sat down and came to some agreements about my future, and helped to eliminate some of the stressors.
friday's weather was gorgeous and warm, so my friend and i headed out to her grandad's cottage on the lake. we walked to the water as soon as we parked the car and wound up spending the entire afternoon/evening/night there, with the other locals.
this rad little 8 year old, named Davidson, who shares my interest in Vampire squid, and tree climbing, was dubbed my "boyfriend" by the dark :) we had more in common than i do with some of the guys my OWN age!!!
my girl friends cute cousin (brains AND beauty) spun some poi for the crowd gathered at the beach, while Davidson's dad managed to amaze (and stump) us with his music playlist and knowledge
everyone within a 15 cottage radius, wound up by that fire, that night! not a care in the world could have burdened any one of us.
i went out to the beach in the morning, did a little yoga, then laid down for a nap while it stormed for a little bit.
it was nice to get away so briefly but so easily..."breezily" i guess *laugh*
Monday, May 28, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
the Real Thing.
i get that a lot of the reason that i struggle with men, might be that they assume that i'm something different than what i am, because i am an openly sexual person. maybe they think i don't have any thing else to offer, but being comfortable being nude in front of people or putting on a performances that celebrate sexuality, doesn't mean that a person sleeps around...
well, last nights events didn't do much to replenish my faltering faith that very many good men are out there. like, i know that not all guys are douchebags, but when this same old stuff is happening to many of the AMAZING women that i love and it makes me angry beyond words. Don't get me wrong, i don't hate men, i just have zero tolerance for self-serving people that put their desire for pleasure above another persons emotional well being.
when i started to write this blog, i had no intention to have it be so much ranting about stupid guys...so i am going to do my best to include more about myself, less in relation to the randoms that i have been encountering.
on a better note, i had a very candid conversation with my father today about the financial difficulties i am having and how it's affecting my schooling. i told him that i was at wits end, and was going to go back to stripping, to which he responded with a vehement "NO". i am just waiting for he and his wife to go to dinner, so we can discuss what can be done, to keep the structure of my life intact.
when i'm frustrated with life, and it seems to be just one crisis after another, it feels natural to go back to old patterns of behaviour. the insanity, is that i could believe that it can be even a temporary solution or that some good will come of it. i would be nothing without the wonderful people in my life, that are able to see what might be good for me, even when i can't see it :)
i guess that is why i get so upset when i see people using each other for superficial experiences, when the people in our lives are the only potential for TRUE experiences.
well, last nights events didn't do much to replenish my faltering faith that very many good men are out there. like, i know that not all guys are douchebags, but when this same old stuff is happening to many of the AMAZING women that i love and it makes me angry beyond words. Don't get me wrong, i don't hate men, i just have zero tolerance for self-serving people that put their desire for pleasure above another persons emotional well being.
when i started to write this blog, i had no intention to have it be so much ranting about stupid guys...so i am going to do my best to include more about myself, less in relation to the randoms that i have been encountering.
on a better note, i had a very candid conversation with my father today about the financial difficulties i am having and how it's affecting my schooling. i told him that i was at wits end, and was going to go back to stripping, to which he responded with a vehement "NO". i am just waiting for he and his wife to go to dinner, so we can discuss what can be done, to keep the structure of my life intact.
when i'm frustrated with life, and it seems to be just one crisis after another, it feels natural to go back to old patterns of behaviour. the insanity, is that i could believe that it can be even a temporary solution or that some good will come of it. i would be nothing without the wonderful people in my life, that are able to see what might be good for me, even when i can't see it :)
i guess that is why i get so upset when i see people using each other for superficial experiences, when the people in our lives are the only potential for TRUE experiences.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
No one has to like what I like...so long as I like it.
So another hairdresser had a really snide comment about my new hair. i guess some people haven't had the advantage of being raised to be polite. it wasn't as if i asked for her dang opinion! oh well, haters gonna hate!
It's seeming like just as soon as i've managed damage control on one catastrophe, another one arises....ain't that life?! i do think a change of living arrangements is in the cards very, very soon though. although moving can be such a pain in the arse, i always DO look forward to decorating a new space :) i am exploring a few different options but i will be nice to live without a shit-load of roomates...i didn't even live this way when i was in college.
i think that it has been good for me to live with people, as i have always pretty much lived alone before this. but the expiry date is imminent! when i figure out where i will be living i will be sure to post pics, and before and after of the decorating :)
It's seeming like just as soon as i've managed damage control on one catastrophe, another one arises....ain't that life?! i do think a change of living arrangements is in the cards very, very soon though. although moving can be such a pain in the arse, i always DO look forward to decorating a new space :) i am exploring a few different options but i will be nice to live without a shit-load of roomates...i didn't even live this way when i was in college.
i think that it has been good for me to live with people, as i have always pretty much lived alone before this. but the expiry date is imminent! when i figure out where i will be living i will be sure to post pics, and before and after of the decorating :)
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Long Distance call from...
So my bestest guy ever called met his weekend from Seattle:) It's super refreshing to have someone care about me, when a sexual relationship is pretty much impossible. There is something kind of pure about it.
Is it just me or do most guys seem to think that wanting to bang a girl, is supposed to be super flattering? I mean, i've had quite a few male friends that have pretty much dropped me, if sex wasn't in the cards.
Guys are weird like that. They can hang around for years as long as the illusion of a potential lay is there, even if you've never done anything with them.
It's so nice to talk to my art geek boy, and to be appreciated for the many awesome aspects of my personality, without things being distorted by sex...
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Adventures in Dating
So yeah, being back out there is kind of hard. Not in that i don't have any suitors. In that there are too many. And it's really hard to determine people intentions. Guys are kind of rats.
So i met someone interesting last night. And i wish i could text him right now. But i lost my phone charger
So i met someone interesting last night. And i wish i could text him right now. But i lost my phone charger
I want you....
it's way too soon for me to have met someone so epic. but i did. so how do i deal, now?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWt6XxP2biE
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Resting in a Cotton Candy cloud :)
i haven't felt this pretty in ages! i NEVER post bathroom pics of myself, but i just can't help myself.
i've wanted this hair for a super long time, but shied away because i typically don't look great with really light hair.
There isn't anything more gratifying than improving your appearance after a breakup. Hands down ;)
simple, no makeup...
Hair done by Mel, of Rad Betty's in Windsor, ON. we're going to do another application of the pink tomorrow, but i am just so damn excited!!!!
i've wanted this hair for a super long time, but shied away because i typically don't look great with really light hair.
simple, no makeup...
Hair done by Mel, of Rad Betty's in Windsor, ON. we're going to do another application of the pink tomorrow, but i am just so damn excited!!!!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
right now.
the first few posts have kind of zipped through descriptions, and i notice that i haven't gotten to too many of the raw aspects or sensations of the the things that have been going on.
the winds of change are overwhelming, and i am feeling optimistic. Reality be told, as dry as my humour can be, i'm an eternal optimist. Breakups are never easy, but it's like i am going against an entire system of beliefs that i have constructed. Not just in this relationship, but my entire view of myself, and what kind of relationship i want, and who i want to partner with.
Times are different. It isn't as simple as marrying a man for simple prosperity. At least not for me.
But something else in me i developing. A kind of desire that i have yet to identify, despite my experimental nature and the experiences it has brought me.
It could be as simple as a stage of maturing and developing character, but i sense a catalyst for great learning and development of character in myself.
Or maybe, I am finally to grasp living in the moment for longer periods of time...
Mr. Right Now
Attended a fantastic, traditional wedding over the weekend, as a plus 1. The food was fantastic and the cultural experience was amazing! The bride sat my girl friend and i at a table filled with 30 something single women, and it was something like a scene out of Sex And the City. The tears flowed as freely as the booze at the open bar...
Once we put a cork in it, and approached the bar, the super gorgeous bartender (i'm talking dark features and cornflower blue eyes) was extremely flirty, and super interested in the details of my life. My super-charged 30 year old libido was in total overdrive!
Oh Hot Bartender Marty! Why'd you have to be so young? And why do i have to be such a decent person?
*le sigh* deep down inside, i know that no number of hot younger men will make things any better, and will only prolong this healing process but...HOT DAMN!!!!
(i'll just bank that one for later, i guess.)
Once we put a cork in it, and approached the bar, the super gorgeous bartender (i'm talking dark features and cornflower blue eyes) was extremely flirty, and super interested in the details of my life. My super-charged 30 year old libido was in total overdrive!
Oh Hot Bartender Marty! Why'd you have to be so young? And why do i have to be such a decent person?
*le sigh* deep down inside, i know that no number of hot younger men will make things any better, and will only prolong this healing process but...HOT DAMN!!!!
(i'll just bank that one for later, i guess.)
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Self Created Suffering
Today I am committing to working on eliminating self-created suffering.
I will not stoke the fires of negative thinking, by replaying negative scenes from the past. I will recognize that any feelings of hurt or anger, are impermanent, and will pass as swiftly as i allow them to.
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Art-Happiness-Dalai-Lama/dp/1573221112
I will not stoke the fires of negative thinking, by replaying negative scenes from the past. I will recognize that any feelings of hurt or anger, are impermanent, and will pass as swiftly as i allow them to.
*Breathe*Smile*Focus*Repeat*
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Paradigm Shift
Every few years or so (i'd say around 5) something occurs that shakes the very core of my being. As a young adult, these events seemed absolutely catastrophic. When i was 25, a friend referred to it as my "quarter life crisis". Now, rounding off my 30th year, i have come to realize that these are emotional growth spurts.
Friday, May 5th, I buried my uncle who died an alcoholic death, and my relationship of nearly four years, was abruptly ended.
So i find myself in (what used to seem like the wastelands of limbo) what i've grown to understand, is an opportunity within a crisis.
Nearly one year ago, i walked through the doors of an alcoholics recovery home, looking for answers and a way to turn my life around. Don't get me wrong...i have been blessed with many gifts, fantastic family and friends, and have been all about a lot of really great things. But something always seemed to be missing. So in order to find out what i was made of, i chose to face everything that i've been afraid of.
And it hasn't stopped there. It has been like the opening of Pandora's Box, so to speak. But a lot less horrific. i've actually come to realize that i am a lot less of a freak than i had previously believed. Go figure.
At this juncture, living as a starving artist, a self identified freak of nature, is a lot less romantic than it seemed when i was 15 years old. i'm not saying that i am "normal" by any means, but things that used to seem a bore, like living spiritually and grounding myself, maybe settling down a bit, don't scare the living bejeezus out of me the way that it used to. i also don't enjoy extreme emotions the same way, either.
I used to believe that if i were more grounded emotionally, that my art would suffer. It's not the case. Rather the opposite.
So to help me find my way, i have decided to start writing again. I'm not sure if anyone will read, and i'm not sure that i even care. But you can follow along, while i discover and share, how to mend a broken heart.
Friday, May 5th, I buried my uncle who died an alcoholic death, and my relationship of nearly four years, was abruptly ended.
So i find myself in (what used to seem like the wastelands of limbo) what i've grown to understand, is an opportunity within a crisis.
Nearly one year ago, i walked through the doors of an alcoholics recovery home, looking for answers and a way to turn my life around. Don't get me wrong...i have been blessed with many gifts, fantastic family and friends, and have been all about a lot of really great things. But something always seemed to be missing. So in order to find out what i was made of, i chose to face everything that i've been afraid of.
And it hasn't stopped there. It has been like the opening of Pandora's Box, so to speak. But a lot less horrific. i've actually come to realize that i am a lot less of a freak than i had previously believed. Go figure.
At this juncture, living as a starving artist, a self identified freak of nature, is a lot less romantic than it seemed when i was 15 years old. i'm not saying that i am "normal" by any means, but things that used to seem a bore, like living spiritually and grounding myself, maybe settling down a bit, don't scare the living bejeezus out of me the way that it used to. i also don't enjoy extreme emotions the same way, either.
I used to believe that if i were more grounded emotionally, that my art would suffer. It's not the case. Rather the opposite.
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